cingular: the epic tale

three weeks ago: my mom and i are in the cingular store in memphis, paying bills and tweaking accounts when the guy at the counter, mempihs clerk #1, looks up my number and comments "hey, you're eligible for an upgrade." sweet, i think to myself, and i look around and pick out which phone i might like to have. i settled on the motorola V551, which was going for an upgrade price of $99. memphis clerk #1 was cool.

two weeks ago: my current phone starts to get really bad, so i check the cingular website, and sure enough, it confirms that my account is eligible for an upgrade.

one week, four days ago: i call the cingular customer service phone number, and do the long and frustrating dance with their automated response ("if calling about an existing account, press 1 ... "). 15 minutes into the call, i finally get to ask my simple question: if i go to the cingular store in town to get a new phone, can they bill the cost of the phone to my account? customer service representative #1 replies: "yes." customer service representaive #1 was nice.

one week, three days ago: i go to the local cingular store in oxford to pick up a new phone, planning on letting them bill my account. the motorola v551 is now $149, with a $50 mail-in rebate. after oxford clerk #1 brings up my information (take note of this), he says that i am elible for an upgrade, and i can get the new phone, but since they were recently an at&t store, and they haven't worked out all the kinks from the merger yet, they're not allowed to bill me for the phone. he says i needed to have an account with them for at least 6 months. understandingly, i leave, planning to return when i have the money. oxford clerk #1 was very nice.

4 days ago: i get money.

3 days ago: now that i have money, my mom tries to go pick up a phone for me at the memphis cingular store. memphis clerk #2 tells her that i am eligible for an upgrade, but if i get the phone in memphis, tn (another state), then i'll have to change my phone number. no dice, she says. i'll just let my son get it in oxford. i dont really know about mempis clerk #2.

yesterday, 3:00 pm: kelso and i journey to the quite busy cingular store in oxford. after waiting in an ambigous "line" for 15 minutes (i got cut twice) i get to the counter:
oxford clerk #2: "how can i help you?"
me: "hi, i'm here to purchase a new phone"
oxford clerk #2: "do you have cingular or at&t?"
me: "cingular."
oxford clerk #2: "you can't get one here."
me: "what?! i came in last week, and was told that not only can i buy a new phone, but i'm eligible for the upgrade deal, but that you guys just couldn't bill the phone to my account."
oxford clerk #2: "no, see we used to be at&t, and we're not quite set up to activate cingular phones or deal with cingular accounts. you'll have to go to tupelo."

[i think it important at this time to give a mental image of the oxford at&t store: the walls are orange, with the cingular logo (stick figure guy) painted all over the place. the carpet has the logo on it. there's tons of cingular signs and cingular brochures everywhere. all the phones for sale have the cingular logo on them, and the workers themselves have on cingular shirts and cingular nametags.]

oxford clerk #2 was a total dick.

yesterday, 4:00 pm: i get home, frustrated, and call the cingular customer service line. after going through the automated system (approx. 4-5 mins), i get to hold for a customer representative, with an estimated wait time of ten minutes. keep in mind that i have no landline, so the entire time i'm on hold on my cell phone, they're making money. seven minutes into my ten minute wait, my call gets dropped. oh wow.

yesterday, 4:45 pm: i try again, this time finally getting in touch with a human being after 10-15 minutes. customer service representative #2 looks up my account information, and assures me that i am indeed eligible for an upgrade. she also tells me that she's not sure about the oxford store's capability to activate a new phone for me, but he should have at least looked up my information, taken my name and number, and provided more information. i told her that i was planning on going to tupelo to try and get the phone, and asked her if she could assure me that it would be hassle free. she says that everything will go smoothly, and even writes a little note on my account information, saying that i'm eligible for an upgrade, and i'm planning on getting it tomorrow in tupelo. customer service representative #2 was very nice.

today, 12:15 pm: kelso and i made the hour long drive to tupelo, and had lunch at china capital. we headed over to the cingular place, near the mall, and fought hellacious tupelo traffic to finally get a spot. inside the cingular store, we have to sign in to be waited on, and it takes 15-20 minutes to finally get my turn. i tell tupelo clerk #1 that i want to get a new phone and i'm eligible for the upgrade sale price. he looks at my account, and quickly tells me that i am, in fact, not eligible. oh shit. i tell him that i've been told on at least 3 separate occasions that i am. he tells me that i last renewed my contract in january 2004 (which is true), and that my 2 years has to run out before i can get a phone upgrade. i ask him to read the notes on the account and he says that its a mistake, and there's nothing he can do until my 2 year contract runs out. i can buy a phone, but not at the sale price. a motorola v551 at regular price costs $299. i leave, only to get reimmersed in the hellacious traffic and almost get hit by a dumb old lady running a red light. tupelo clerk #1 was a total dick.

today, 1:30 pm: i go to kelso's house to use his landline, because my phone doesn't work at all anymore. after 22 minutes of waiting, i get customer service representative #3, who is incredibly slow at checking my account information. our entire conversation is littered with silences and holds that average about 90 seconds, as she looks up things. she tells me that i am eligible for an upgrade! i tell her that tupelo clerk #1 said that i wasn't, because my renewed contract hasn't run out. she says that's true, but the computer says that i'm eligible, and she can't really explain why. i tell her that i'm going to another tupelo store, and i'm not leaving without a new phone at the sale price, and she leaves more notes on my account saying that i am indeed eligible. customer service representative #3 was nice, but inept.

today, 2:25 pm: i go to another branch of cingular and am greeted with a sign in sheet on which the next blank spot isn't even on the front page. i find a comfortable chair, and after fifteen minutes, i give kelso permission to leave with my car, vowing that i'll call him on my new phone when its time to pick me up. thirty-five minutes after that, kelso returns to find that i haven't moved. the overall wait time was exactly one hour and twenty minutes. when i arrive at the counter i catch my first break in the whole process: tupelo clerk #2 is a girl i knew from high school, who used to have a crush on me. she pulls up my account information as i tell her the story, and she agrees that the computer says i'm eligible for an upgrade, even though i have a current contract. meanwhile, a guy who had been waiting on the list after me is now being helped by another clerk, and its not going well. she won't trade out his broken phone for a new one, because he doesn't have the box with him. he loses it--completely freaks out--and on his way out the door, he yells you people are a bunch of idiots to sit here and let them take advantage of you like this! cingular sucks! they fucking suck, and even if they were trying to suck, they couldn't suck worse then they do right now! tupelo clerk #2 and i get much needed comic relief from the scene, and she continues to work on my account. she calls nationals, but while on hold, we start to talk and she says that i should swing by this christmas party she's going to tonight. "it'll be fun ... give me a call," she says, and i respond with an incredibly suave, "hey, i'd love to, but i'm gonna need a new phone." (no joke, bond himself would've been proud of how well that line came out) she laughs, hangs up while still on hold, and tells me that if the computer says i'm eligible, then i'm eligible, and brings out a brand new motorola v551 ...

today, 3:58 pm: tupelo clerk #2 sold me a motorola v551 for the upgrade price of $149. booyah!


[i do hereby pledge that none of the above events are imagined, embellished, or falsified in any way, shape, form or fashion.]