ft. worth: billy bob's

after 48 hours of anticipation, stu finally arrives in dallas on the night of the 5th, weary and road-trodden. so, to make things easy for him, we immediately packed up all of our stuff in the ford explorer of freshness and hit the road again. our first destination: ft. worth, the chief stomping grounds of mr. kyle wood.

upon arrival, we were introduced to kyle's parents and his squatty little dog, who kyle trains through intricate methods of verbal and mental abuse. after looking around at pictures--there was this one of crew-topped kyle during his powerlifting days, in which he's squatting 500+ pounds and his face looks like he's being drawn and quartered--we once again hopped in the car, and headed out to hit up the ft. worth night life. after a few failures, we wound up at billy bob's, the world's largest honky tonk bar, and i was thoroughly chastised for never having heard of it.

upon entrance, stuart and i were all but cavity searched for having the audacity to be in a different state. the genius bouncer viewed, scrutinized, picked, scratched, rubbed, licked and boiled our mississippi licenses before finally deciding that we were legit. five minutes was a little excessive, but i got over it once we made it inside. my poor license, however, is currently in therapy and is planning to file a civil suit (criminal being harder to win), sueing for harassment and assault.

billy bob's was interesting. i felt a little out of place at first, wearing a thermal underwear shirt under a t-shirt (this has become the cornerstone of my wardrobe ever since that girl went hitler on me), but my uneasiness was soon quelled as the twangs of steel guitars faded and then morphed into thumping bass beats, and over the loudspeaker came that age old honky tonk classic ... "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." i then realized that billy bob's had evolved with the rest of the world (though one year behind on the music), and that shaggy-haired kids from out of state were probably accepeted after all.


"oh my god, our faces are stuck together ... and it really makes me smile!" 

the four of us hung out at a table for most of the night (pitcured above with mary and kyle), but mary eventually left us to go dance circles around the other guys in the place, returning periodically to try and coax one of us squares out of our dark corner and onto the dance floor. kyle eventually gave in, while stu and i sat proudly among our castle of empty cups, and watched the two-stepping from a safe distance. sure it was reverse snobbery, but line dancing has got to be the whitest thing in history, and just in case my life is being constantly filmed and broadcasted in a 24 hour television show, i didn't want my attempts at line dancing to be on the brian show dvd's special features.

after it closed, mary drove us home, with kyle barking directions. turns out, he took us on a ten minute detour in order to drive by a witch's home. kyle and his high school friends were convinced that this old lady was indeed a witch, but i saw no cauldron, broomsticks or pointy hats, or any evidence of witchcraft whatsoever. and his stories about her witchiness sound to me like kyle and his friends simply harassed this lady until she threw rocks at them, an obvious warning sign of mondern day witchery. all in all, it was a good night.