automatic for the people

i was recently given a document entitled "stuff all guys should know", with a laundry list of things that the female species as a whole would like me to know, so that i may better myself accordingly (thank you, alexis).

most likely, this list rings true for most girls, give or take a few items. for example, i'm sure that most girls will agree that "only rockstars are allowed to wear leather pants" and that "[we] are cute in raglan-sleeved t-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts". at least i hope they all agree because i wore one yesterday (thank you, erin c-s).

but brian, what does this have to do with us?

chill out, spazz, and i'll tell you: there was one (and only one) item on the list that i didn't already know and/or do, and i am now going to place myself in the stocks, for the merriment of all you manly-men out there, so you can kick me right in the arse, and feel better about yourself while doing so. and for the lady readers of this blog, i've got to come clean, and i'm sorry in advance for any false sense of attraction i may have conjured inside of you, for i am guilty of the wussiest of all trespasses against my y-chromosome:

i do NOT know how to drive a stick.

on the list, driving a stick was the second item! "real men can drive a stick" according to this definitive list. #2!

all these years, i thought i could fake it; i've lived in fear of any situation that would require me to hop behind the wheel of some standard transmission, with a damsel in distress in the passenger seat ...

[running, under hot pursuit by a wave of anonymously evil henchmen]
"oh my god, this whole abandoned warehouse is wired with explosives and its going to blow in any second"
"don't worry penelope cruz, i'll get us out of this mess. and after i do, i'm gonna take you out to a nice lobster dinner."
"or we could just skip the restaurant and have room service bring us dessert"
"quick, toss me those conveniently-laying-around keys you luckily swiped while i was hand-to-hand combat fighting the head bad guy"
"here you go ... oh god, brian, they're closing in on us ... even if we don't make it, i want you to know that you will always be my hero. i love you, brian hall!"
"oh penelope! that sounds so perfect with your accent"
"there's the van; quick, let's get the hell out of here!"
"oh shit! it's a stick!"
"yeah, so what?!"
"... i ... i never learned to drive a stick!"
"what do ya mean, you never learned how ...?! what kind of man are you?!! what the hell are we supposed ..."
[huge explosion]

so its out there. my dirty secret. someone please pick me up in your standard, and teach me to be a man.