scott rolen for pope!

first of all, i'm really excited that the catholic church is allowing the cardinals to elect the next pope. this is a very wise move, and i commend the church for such a great pick. it probably would've been safer to go with the world series winners, the boston red sox, but i'm glad that catholics saw through the hype.

now, since the cardinals are being given the sole resposibility of electing the new pope, i am hereby starting a campaign: scott rolen for pope! given his work ethic on the ball field, and his rbi's last season, i think he would make a fine pope.


this guy is so a pope 

lets look at the platform:

1) unfortunately, we just lost the most travelled pope of all time. but scott rolen is used to playing away games for months out of the year, and is no stranger to life and the road

2) the former pope was a strict traditionalist, who vehemently opposed women priests, as well as other liberal movements in the church. scott rolen is also a baseball traditionalist, who sprints to his position every inning exchange.

3) pope john paul II was an international icon. scott rolen has six gold gloves.

there you have it, an air-tight open-and-shut case for the new pope. so, to the people of st. louis, let your ball players know that electing the pope is an important decision, and remember: if god chose the pope, he would pick scott rolen.

rolen for pope! otherwise, you might wind up with this guy.

breakfast of tomorrow

every once in a while, when you least expect it, something magical happens, and it changes your life forever.

in the grocery store the other day, i was wondering down all the aisles, searching for deals, because thanks to the capitalist pigs at bancorp south and a brilliant change in the ole miss payroll calendar, i've been left with no money for groceries. so i'm aimlessy strolling through the store, upset at having no money, and there it was: a beacon of light from the heavens had descended upon the frosted flakes. i can't be certain, but i'm pretty sure i heard a chorus of angels somewhere in the distance.

what was so majestic, you ask? well, chill out, smelly, and i'll tell you, for these were no ordinary frosted flakes. nay, these frosted flakes were frosted flakes of the future, frosted flakes from another era, frosted flakes from a time of intergalactic warfare, star wars frosted flakes that included a free lightsabre spoon right there in the box!

[at this point in the post, the author would like to discuss how the spelling "light-saber", though widely accepted, is ultimately incorrect, because the swords of our day are not called "sabers", thus making the term lightsaber utter nonsense]

perhaps a few souls out there can't quite grasp the significance of a lightsabre spoon. i have provided visuals.

here's what breakfast used to look like. classic, but boring, and a bit hackneyed.


not bad, not bad 

and here's the breakfast of tomorrow.


breakfast 2k5! 

and now you get it. i swear, if i had the money, and they were all my spoons, i would throw out all our old spoons and replace everyone of them with a new and improved lightsabre spoon.

i think we all can agree that the breakfast of champions has officially been one-upped, for i am now enjoying the breakfast of jedi knights. if anyone would like to join me for breakfast, i'll be the guy in the alvin houseshoes, enjoying a bowl of frosted flakes through the use of my red lightsabre spoon, whilst listening to the imperial march. oh that's right, the dark side. i'm dark. intrigued? i thought so.

leon can't cook without that dough, baby

its that time again. hot dogs, peanuts, beer, box scores. america's pasttime is back, after an insane 2004 season. the boston red sox snapped their 80+ year streak of mediocrity, reversing the curse of the bambino, and thereby eliminating any reason to be a boston red sox fan. seriously, the world series win was the worst thing that could happen to that franchise, because it erased all the allure of cheering for the cursed red sox. they're no longer underdogs. the boston red sox are now just a team that doesn't win that often.

so here are the teams you should cheer for this baseball season:

al west: oakland athletics. while other teams are born on third and think they hit a triple, the a's are a testament to any baseball fan without a trust fund. having one of the smallest payrolls in baseball doesn't stop the a's from being a force to reckon with on the field. cheers to incredible scouting and to billy beane. also acceptable: texas rangers.

al central: minnesota twins. the blandest division in baseball has one saving grace, and his name is torii hunter. the greatest home run thief in the game is reason enough to back the twins. but just for insurance, think of how much fun the twins had in "little big league". also acceptable: chicago white sox.

al east: boston red sox. yeah, the defending champs are a fun team, action packed with quality individuals, pitted against the evil empire, etc. however, they won last year, and now they're boring (see above). but so are the alternatives, and the red sox have johnny damon. they also bogarted edgar renteria (thank you, players union), and that's enough to get behind them. also acceptable: baltimore orioles.

nl west: los angeles dodgers. one of baseball's storied franchises, the dodgers proved to be class acts during last season's nlds. after being defeated by the cardinals, the dodgers, as a team, walked over to shake hands with their opponents, congratulate them on a great season, and wish them luck. kudos to sportsmanship, and long live the dodgers. plus gagne is ridiculous. also acceptable: um, the padres?

nl central: st. louis cardinals. its only right that the best team in baseball have the best fans in baseball. the cardinals also have the best defense in the game, headed up by the greatest third baseman to play the game, mr. scott rolen. and considering the alternatives, this is a no-brainer. also acceptable: pittsburg pirates.

nl east: washington nationals. in the worst division in baseball (and possibly all of sports), its hard to pick a team, so just cheer for the nationals, since they're brand new, and haven't had a chance to suck yet. although, i would've liked them better if they were the washington monuments. also acceptable: florida marlins.

teams that no one should ever cheer for (from bad to worse): san francisco giants, new york mets, houston astros, philadelphia phillies, atlanta braves, new york yankees, and the god-awful chicago cubs.

so there you have it. go cardinals.