Sunday, January 30, 2005

stick with what works ...

so i know this has been done before, but i thought it was such an effective way to follow up a rant, that i'm thinking this might become a tradition: once again, to show that i do have feelings, and they're not all cynical, here and back by popular demand is the picture of a funny dog.


such poise, such grace. and look how furry he is! Posted by Hello

stare at this for 30 seconds without laughing, and you officially have a heart that's three sizes too small

faulkner, hemingway, and grisham

new rule: if you're in an advanced composition course at a research university, and you have an assignment to select an author's work that exhibits a style of writing that you really admire, then under no circumstances is it ok to bring in any of the following:

1) skipping christmas, by john grisham*
2) anything else by john grisham
3) the da vinci code, by dan brown
4) sex and the city newspaper articles*
5) today's column of any local sports journalist
6) a walk to remember, by nicholas sparks*
7) the right man, a biography of the president**

* note that if you do decide to bring in such works, please actually read them before the class, rather than simply seeing the tv show/movie
** again, if the assignment is to bring in a style of writing that you appreciate, and you bring in a biography of the president, just because you like the president, and then you admit that you have only read the first chapter of the book, then yes, you are a simpleton.

i wish i was making this up, i really do. out of 20 people in the class, less than half decided to actually do the assignment, and the above list was the result. i thought the teacher was going to jump out the window, right then and there. and i hate english, and i hate literature, and i'm so ignorant about so many things in the wonderful world of the written word, and i shouldn't even be worked up over this, but even i know better ... i mean, wow ... you can't even read the book you bring in?! and yes, i'm a snob, and i know that, but john grisham? are you kidding me?! this is college, you dolt.

i'm proud to be at ole miss. hotty toddy.


[if anyone is unclear as to why the above works are unsatisfactory and inappropriate, feel free to email me at rbhall@olemiss.edu so that i may rant in more detail]

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

sausage party!


look at all that sausage ... no, on the grill Posted by Hello

so fellas, we all know how it goes. you live with a few guys, and then a couple more show up with some beer, and before you know it, you've got a full blown manfest: seven, eight, ten, twelve dudes hanging out and not one dudette to lively up the place. well fret no more, because it's 2k5, and such situations aren't necessarily a bad thing ...

i give you the sausage party! from now on, whenever you find way too many y-chromosomes lumbering about your humble abode, just make a run to the grocery store, fire up the grill, and voila! what was once so deeply rooted in negative connotations is now the highlight of your midweek.

we tested out this new fad last night; we being myself and five other male-types, and i've got to say, it was pretty refreshing. the only problems came about when six guys are huddled around our tiny-ass grill, each thinking they're the superior grill-master, and the others should step back and show some respect. other than the tensely-testoronic moments like these, a sausage party isn't all that bad. next time the ladies won't give you the time of day, then i'd suggest you get with the program.

sausage parties: uniting dudes from all over the world. do you really want to be out of the loop?


[coming soon: the sausage jarty ... that's right, it does exist]

Sunday, January 23, 2005

san antonio: the destruction


the destruction Posted by Hello

you ever have those experiences where you build something up in your head, and then you're kinda let down by the results, because of the expectations you created? this was NOT one of those times.

from the first earth-shattering cymbal crash to the final heart-melting power chord, the boy scout cookies rocked our faces off and we loved them for it. the show began as pictured above; a symphony of syncopated eruptions piercing through the ominous cloud of smoke lingering above the crowd. just as the haze dissapated and the crowd got a first true look at the destruction they were about to endure, the doors of the bsc coffin swung open, revealing the inspekta, clad in an encompassing black robe complete with hood. never has horror been juxtaposed with talent so perfectly. as the inspekta discarded his hood, unveiling his glare which literally redefines intensity, he launched into a frenzy of tambourine shaking and face-rocking dance skills. in that instant, i knew i would never make it out alive.


fear me Posted by Hello

it took less than two songs for joe the ocean to discard the wifebeater he begun the show with, and who could blame him? when thumping out smooth, sensual bass rhythms, why be constricted with such trivial matters as clothing? his true concern was clear--the ladies in the house needed him, as an addict needs his fix; they needed the ocean to provide them with an orgasmic array of grindable undertones, and wow, did he ever deliver.

benvolio van novo was on a mission: to shred as much metal as humanly possible. his fingers of fury were so devastatingly destructive, that at one point, i distinctly remember fearing for my life and second-guessing the qualifications of whatever structural engineer had fortified the walls and ceiling of the white rabbit.


more destruction Posted by Hello

the percussive stylings of mr. concept were nothing short of man's greatest attempt at besting our creator. his conscientious dedication to his craft was morphed into torturously exquisite rhythms which brought the entire crowd to their knees. and then, when the hour of our doom was apparent, the music subsided and mr. concept exploded into a blistering multitude of kicks, toms, and crashes that may or may not be directly responsible for the explosion of two stars in our galaxy that night.

the old adage is true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger; and though i was among the lucky few who did make it out alive (i used some of baumann's groupies as a human shield), not a day goes by that i don't have flashbacks of the complete and utter destruction. but don't fret, i'll be ok. for after seeing the boy scout cookies play live and in person, my penis is now larger.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

san antonio: the white rabbit


 Posted by Hello

oh yes, that's right. san antonio. the white rabbit. the tour up to this point was mere foreplay, a simple sideshow attraction, like stopping by to see the world's second largest ball of twine when in route to mecca. sure its interesting, in a very odd abnormal-psych kinda way (who makes these things?), but after laughing at others' and thier waste-of-time endeavors, you get your ass back on the road until you reach the promised land. our destination? bsc or bust.

upon arrival, the crew de tejas was given directions to the home of austin, the lead guitarist with fingers of fury, which also doubles as the band's principle practice facilities. being the good-natured destructionists that they are, the boy scout cookies decided to try and share their spotlight with the less fortunate, less important people of the world such as yours truly. the plan was for me to participate in the night's show, be it through spitting rhymes or playing an instrument, but this ultimately fell through because of my lack of rap lyric knowledge and my embarrassing loss of any drumming talent i once could fake. for the latter, i blame myself for not touching a pair of drumsticks in a year and a half--for the former, i blame the caucasia.

next stop was the hidden castle of the hills that houses the one and only stephen morsund. for those of you who have never had the pleasure, stephen is a hilarious guy and student at washington university who has two things going for him: a chameleon hairstyle and an affinity for laughing at his own jokes ... loudly. he greeted us with a huge smile and took us upstairs to his entertainment parlor (complete with pool table, incredible tv/sound system, professional poker table, and the bathroom even has a standup urinal), and there awaiting our arrival were the effervescent adrienne farr, the ridiculous brady farr, and mr. kickass himself, jordan margetson. apparently, they were so excited with anticipation to see us that they decided to put in the hulk dvd to calm themselves down--it worked so well, they barely acknowledged us as we came in, and the lights stayed off until the hulk caught sight of jennifer connelly, degreened himself and stopped smashing tanks. seriously, hulk ... chill out.

almost completely assembled, the crew then headed out for some grub, swinging by the party palace to pick up the man, the legend, myron jones. myron is a complete baller who routinely takes pity on those less cool and allows us to party with him at his house. we packed ourselves into two cars and, against my will, stephen led the caravan to a mexican restaurant so we could all fill up with poo food. my gut told me this was a huge mistake, but not wanting to kill the others' buzz, i went along with it. tragically, i didn't realize the error of my ways until it was too late; the seven of us were packed into a corner booth designed for four, and when i ordered the largest margarita in the house, my heart was promptly crushed by the most terrifying words known to college students: "we don't serve any alcohol." oh the perils of being a sober lactose intolerant hungry guy in a baptist mexican restaurant that serves no dish without extra queso. thanks guys.


mary, stephen, adrienne and myron ... see, i have friends! Posted by Hello

after everyone else finished their meal, and i finished my dr. pepper, it was almost time. finally, the hour of destruction was upon us. we all re-sardined ourselves into brady's car, and headed toward the infamous white rabbit. as the tires screeched to a stop in a pseudo attempt at parallel parking, i experienced one of those deep points of reflection that occurs when all of time slows down right before witnessing something spectacular. but the quiet before the storm was promptly broken; before i could step out of the car, an earth shattering "briiiian!" shot across the crowd of teenagers in the parking lot. its owner was none other than j. baumann, sporting a texas rangers jersey, a powerfully pink headband, and the grin of someone who just caught their friend looking up porn. he unearthed himself from the swarm of j-bow groupies surrounding him (about eight 15 year old girls), ran over and tackled stu, then promptly went into a story about one of the girls in the groupie circle. absurdity.

with our new addition, the crew lined up outside the entrance, and those of us in college got a nice square look at what our life had come to: supposedly, this place was a bar, but there was absolutely no one over the age of 18 inside. while being carded to enter (how did all these kids make it in here?), we each had to specify what group we were there to see ... apparently, the place keeps track of which bands are bringing in the crowds with a highly sophisticated system of tally marks at the opening gate. after shouting out "are you crazy man? i'm here for the bsc!", i entered and officially felt like the old, creepy guy for the first time in my life. but this thought reeked of obsolescence, and i regathered my focus ... it was almost time.

while waiting, we formed a camp/college circle of security, and only talked to each other. all of us, except for baumann, who went back to his circle of beauties--the picture doesn't do it justice, but i swear he had eleven girls around him when it was taken. and then, at last, the god-awful opening band was kicked off the stage for being way too angst-ridden and way too untalented, and the culminating moment of the entire trip to texas had finally arrived ...


its the pink headband ... its gotta be the pink headband Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 15, 2005

houston: craig's house

somewhat rested, i awoke and rolled off kyle's not-so-comfy couch, and was greeted by muffled snorts of jubilation from the aforementioned squatty little dog, which may or may not be a pug. i affectionately nicknamed the dog "shovel face" because, well, it pretty much looks and sounds like it was hit in the face with a shovel--his face is flat and his nasal cavity is so smushed that he snores with every breath, especially when he's awake and excited. i played with shovel face for a little while as the rest of the crew began stirring from their respective quarters.

once awake, we raided kyle's kitchen and ate all of his eggs and cinnamon rolls. kyle was in charge of the remote, so we ended up watching some movie starring l.l. cool j and the head cheerleader of the compton clovers from bring it on (when i think compton, i don't exactly think of a lucky charms marshmallow). during showers, stu's woman (who i'm convinced hates me) and one of her friends stopped by for a few minutes as they were on their way out to hike in big bend national park; both were quite impressed with kyle, despite his relentless mental abuse of poor shovel face.

after showers, mary, stu and i loaded up the ford explorer of freshness, and parted ways with kyle. destination: houston. to his credit, stu almost managed to stay awake for the whole on-ramp, but i'm certain he was asleep before we reached our cruising speed. mary, now riding shotgun, was in charge of music, and performed beautifully up until her insistance that we listen to some "texas country," which is somehow better than regular country music. to me, every song had the same chord progression, and the same basic premises:

1. it was really great growing up in texas
2. texas is the best state ever
3. beer tastes better in texas
4. girls are prettier and guys are manlier in texas
5. even if you get your heart broken, its ok, because you're in texas


the drive to houston isn't all that bad, but the drive into houston is terrible. i think we logged an extra hour and a half of driving solely inside the city limits. it doesn't help that downtown houston reeks of pollution, humidity and mediocre baseball. but then the stink of second best was soon replaced with that of exfoliation cream, and i knew we were approaching montrose. minutes later, the ford explorer of freshness rolled to a stop in front of chez craig.


mary and angie stared at me knowingly all night long ...  Posted by Hello

craig is a senior at sewanee, and president of stu's fraternity, and his house has become the staple of good times on the previous tours--very serene and peaceful to be so close to downtown. in fact, the only thing keeping you on your toes is the multitude of large dogs roaming around, including an awesome black lab, a bastardly full size poodle, and an 8 week old great dane puppy whose cuteness is second only to his budding piranha teeth. the puppy was a replacement for blue, the full size great dane who passed away this past semester--blue was over four feet tall on all fours, and i swear i thought it was a bear the first time it came around the corner. however, being the world's largest animal had its downsides, and blue was plaugued with hip problems for being too large for his spine. he had to stay drugged up all the time, and was the greatest companion dog in the world, until he "blueced" (blue-deuced) a steaming pile all over the guest house floor fifteen minutes before bedtime. ah, memories.

after settling in and ordering some pizza, we finally got in touch with all the ladies waiting on us, and angie and jenn were the first to arrive. funniest thing, they both came all dolled up and ready for a night out on the town, while the team de tejas was lounging around in the clothes we'd been wearing for days. warm greetings and catching up stories ensued, and we mainly just loafed around craig's guesthouse.

later, jess and her friend arrived (i'm also convinced the friend doesn't like me), and joined the good times--by this point, i had found myself a nice spot on the main couch in front of the television, and recall not moving for what seemed like hours, until it was pizza time again. craig was in charge of the remote, and we were watching an american chopper marathon, which is one of my new favorite shows. i could do without all the bikes, but the interaction between the family is hilarious, and is only exacerbated with craig as narrator. i felt bad though, because i feel as if the girls expected us to roll out a red carpet with many "i haven't seen you in so long"'s--what they got was a road trodden (among other things) crew with somewhat enthusiastic hugs and greetings. i suck.

more of craig's friends showed up as the night drug on, and more than one had not been introduced to the glory that is napoleon dynamite, so everyone at the party agreed it was time to bring on the awesome. everyone except for angie, who made her displeasure widely known ("this is the stupidest movie ever made"), but her tone and inflection actually made it seem like she should be a character in the movie rather than a dissenter. either way, she was scolded for her insolance.


why am i so appealing? ... i must ponder Posted by Hello

twenty minutes into the movie, ben thurber was able to stop by and make an appearance, though brief. he pulled up a chair in the back of the room, watched about ten minutes of the movie, and promptly left because the party had become quite lame. soon after, the girls followed his lead, and those remaining crashed in the guest house. major disappointment of the night: hayley shelton was unable to make an appearance, most likely because we never called. this injustice was for a couple of reasons, all of them being private and out of my hands, but i was deeply saddened by her absence; i'm truly sorry, and i'm certain that one day she'll find it in her heart to forgive me. if you'd like to help you can cruise on over to hayley's blog and post a message reminding her how much she needs me.

much thanks to craig for yet another opening of his home, and for the pizza. houston, though relatively uneventful, was a great time, and it was fun just to see everyone again. houston may not be a good baseball town, but montrose is ok by me.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

ft. worth: billy bob's

after 48 hours of anticipation, stu finally arrives in dallas on the night of the 5th, weary and road-trodden. so, to make things easy for him, we immediately packed up all of our stuff in the ford explorer of freshness and hit the road again. our first destination: ft. worth, the chief stomping grounds of mr. kyle wood.

upon arrival, we were introduced to kyle's parents and his squatty little dog, who kyle trains through intricate methods of verbal and mental abuse. after looking around at pictures--there was this one of crew-topped kyle during his powerlifting days, in which he's squatting 500+ pounds and his face looks like he's being drawn and quartered--we once again hopped in the car, and headed out to hit up the ft. worth night life. after a few failures, we wound up at billy bob's, the world's largest honky tonk bar, and i was thoroughly chastised for never having heard of it.

upon entrance, stuart and i were all but cavity searched for having the audacity to be in a different state. the genius bouncer viewed, scrutinized, picked, scratched, rubbed, licked and boiled our mississippi licenses before finally deciding that we were legit. five minutes was a little excessive, but i got over it once we made it inside. my poor license, however, is currently in therapy and is planning to file a civil suit (criminal being harder to win), sueing for harassment and assault.

billy bob's was interesting. i felt a little out of place at first, wearing a thermal underwear shirt under a t-shirt (this has become the cornerstone of my wardrobe ever since that girl went hitler on me), but my uneasiness was soon quelled as the twangs of steel guitars faded and then morphed into thumping bass beats, and over the loudspeaker came that age old honky tonk classic ... "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard." i then realized that billy bob's had evolved with the rest of the world (though one year behind on the music), and that shaggy-haired kids from out of state were probably accepeted after all.


"oh my god, our faces are stuck together ... and it really makes me smile!" Posted by Hello

the four of us hung out at a table for most of the night (pitcured above with mary and kyle), but mary eventually left us to go dance circles around the other guys in the place, returning periodically to try and coax one of us squares out of our dark corner and onto the dance floor. kyle eventually gave in, while stu and i sat proudly among our castle of empty cups, and watched the two-stepping from a safe distance. sure it was reverse snobbery, but line dancing has got to be the whitest thing in history, and just in case my life is being constantly filmed and broadcasted in a 24 hour television show, i didn't want my attempts at line dancing to be on the brian show dvd's special features.

after it closed, mary drove us home, with kyle barking directions. turns out, he took us on a ten minute detour in order to drive by a witch's home. kyle and his high school friends were convinced that this old lady was indeed a witch, but i saw no cauldron, broomsticks or pointy hats, or any evidence of witchcraft whatsoever. and his stories about her witchiness sound to me like kyle and his friends simply harassed this lady until she threw rocks at them, an obvious warning sign of mondern day witchery. all in all, it was a good night.

our hours? all of them

in a slight breach of chronological order, this post is dedicated to the acquatic foursome's stop at a local steak and shake, in order to refuel in delicious fashion, before heading downtown for some real adventure. the only disappointment in the meal was that steak and shake does not serve breakfast twenty-four hours a day. i was forced to eat a hamburger for my first meal of the day, but it was noon thirty. maybe that's more of a statement about my life then a critique on the establishment's menu.


complimentary hats and bibs are ok by colin Posted by Hello

dallas: the aquarium

yep, you guessed it! we went to the aquarium! this field trip was on the 5th, while mary and i were eagerly awaiting stu's arrival to dallas, so we could get on with the tour. hanging out with us that afternoon were the ever-delightful rachel and the always-informative colin, both of the scherr tribe. the trip wasn't all smiles though, and i offer everyone this word of advice: if you're planning on going to the dallas aquarium, do not assume that the building that is painted completely blue with pictures of whales and other acquatic life is, in fact, the aquarium. you are making a mistake, and the parking lot attendant will only inform you that you're actually a 10 minute walk away from the aquarium after you pay him four dollars to park. jackass. luckily, the girls were wearing comfortable shoes for the trek; flip-flops, actually, so they were prepared to walk, but not prepared for the 30 degree dip in the temperature, and their poor toes lost all feeling for a couple of hours.

once inside the aquarium, we were greeted by an array of exotic wildlife, both aquatic and terrestrial. penguins, eels, sea cows, poisonous frogs, birds, and a panther. yes, a panther at the aquarium. i know. the best part was that he was enclosed in a large glass case, and would charge at you with lightning speed and agility, and pounce on the glass just in front of you, causing you to all but poop your pants. good times!

other highlights include:
-- colin's surprisingly in-depth knowledge of the basilisk (you know, the thing that can run on water)
-- the cute penguins at the entrance
-- the empty display case that colin and i convinced the girls housed the most amazing creature we had ever seen (we had them looking at it for 30 seconds before i hit the deck in laughter)
-- and, of course, the shark tunnel, pictured below with (from left to right) myself, rachel, and colin

frostbitten digits aside, it was a great afternoon.


just remember: the sharks are just as scared of you as you are of them Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

calm down, it's coming

so i know i promised that details from the tour de tejas would be up soon, but it's not going to happen just yet. the holdup is that i want to post some of the pictures from the trip, but this is proving difficult because of my recent switch to the apple. yes, i can hear your snickers: "but brian, i thought apple was superior in every way ..."

well, shutup, because it is. however, google hasn't quite caught up. blogger is a google entity, and uses another google program called "hello" in order to post pictures. downside: hello is only available for the proles ... aka pc/windows users. there's another up-and-coming site called flickr that you can use to post pictures on your blog, but a free account only holds about 8 pictures, and that's not worth it. i'm sure there's another way, and no one's telling me about it (please feel free to fill me in), but until i get back to my dinosaur of a pc in oxford, i don't want to post any tour de tejas material. trust me, it'll be better when i have the time and know-how to do it right.

since i've been home, however, things have been slowed down significantly. example? it's 3:30 pm, and i haven't showered today. yesterday, stu, kelso and i played a round of hippie golf -- at which i am terrible. every shot of mine has a massive slice, and i can't throw a disc very far, but if you put me in the teebox of a 150 ft dogleg left, you better not stand in front of the chains. stu won handily, kelso lost gracefully, and i basked in my usual mediocrity.

tonight, its back to oxford, to return to all my scholarly pursuits. maybe i'll get some work done on the blog tonight. until then, i'm going to leave you with ...

zach braff's new year's resolutions:
forgo all exercise (including walking),
learn to smoke (something thin like capri's),
take my loved ones for granted,
stop washing my hands after twosies,
laugh at babies who are late walkers,
pull leaves off trees that appear to be flourishing,
name the yet to be named voices in my head (something tough like "carl" or "kyle"),
be less kind to bunnies,
floss everything but my teeth,
travel (but only around my yard with a light carry-on),
stop and smell the rosens. (they're a wonderful family and absolutely compulsive about showering)

Sunday, January 09, 2005

more fanfare

that's right. more and more people are listening--steve nash is the mvp. he's orchestrated a complete turnaround in phoenix. check out this latest article.

anecdotes from the tour will be up soon.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

roaring through texas ...

so i'm hanging out in dallas right now, spending some quality time with mary maliff, and getting hassled by others because i haven't updated my blog in a while (angela--so good to me). my millions of readers are angry, and well, fame is quite the fickle lady. c'mon, it was the holidays, and i never got a chance to sit down and use the internet. in fact, you lucked out, because i'd still be without internet if i wasn't in the suburbs right now: apparently, someone down the street from mary's house has wireless internet with no password requirement, so i'm currently hijacking bandwidth. high five for technology!

tour de tejas III is currently underway, despite a few snags. the awesome hotel room in downtown dallas turned out to be not so much awesome as a shithole. apparently, downtown dallas gets really sketchy a block past city hall. the 14 story hotel had a total of 9 cars in the parking lot when i checked in, the lobby was awful, my toilet didn't fill back up after i flushed it, and my shower drain was clogged. so, the hotel is no more and i'm crashing at mary's. right now, she's playing with pictures of me in photoshop--giving me fake sunburns and that sort of thing. (she's a whiz at photoshop)

we hung out with rachel and kyle wood last night--an absolute blast. kyle was a little road weary at first, but a few beers perked his spirits right back up to normal. example: we picked up rach, and within the first 90 seconds she was in the car, kyle launches into a story about a sleazy strip club he went to, where he got a lapdance from a fat, completely naked 30 year old, who would grind on him and scoot his chair back, and then hit him in the face with her breasts. class act, that kyle.

stu gets here tomorrow, and then we leave for houston, where we're hopefully staying at craig's house in the gay district of town--i'm not sure how a city has a gay portion of town, but the air in montrose does smell curiously like exfoliating cream. seeing eveyone is going to be great: angie, jess, thurber, ruggles, and cowboy nolinberg, and a possible hayley appearance.

houston is the night of the 6th. then to san antonio for the 7th, to witness the destruction that will be the boy scout cookies live in concert. hopefully and old camp reunion will get together afterwards (give me a call if you're in the area, and lucky enough to already have my number -- i can't post it here, i'll have millions of ladies calling). austin on the 8th -- hanging ou with adrienne and brady, jordan, john heymann, with a possible ryan littlepage. words can not express how funny that guy is; i've never left a conversation with him without thinking that was the funniest thing i've ever heard.

if i left out your name, its because you don't answer me when i tell you about things. that, or i forgot about you, and i'm sorry. open invitation to join up with the tour; it'll be fun, and maybe we'll make shirts. until then ...