steve nash for mvp!

last night, the phoenix suns, who only won 29 games all of last year, extended their winning streak into the double digits, as miracle point guard and playmaker steve nash tied an nba record with 10 straight games with 10+ assists. note that those 10 games have all been wins for the suns, which now have the best record in the nba.

its no secret that nash has been my favorite player in the nba for quite some time now. i enjoyed his time at dallas and adopted the mavericks as "my team". having spent some time in texas, and specifically dallas, i was a bit disappointed but extremely confused when the mavs let go the heart of their team so they could pick up erick dampier. who?, you ask ... exactly.

dampier is averaging 8 points and 7 rebounds a game, and dallas is hovering at a respectable 17-10. but with dallas' talent, that record is below expectations, and nowhere near the starts that the team enjoyed with mr. nash at the helm (anyone remember the mavs' 16-0 start a few years back?). and now go back and read the first paragraph again ... the phoenix suns, who i had joked about "having to root for" now that nash was on board, are enjoying nba history's second greatest beginning to a season. what's going on?!

simple: steve nash is the heart of any team he joins, and any team will improve dramatically with him handling the ball. mark cuban's "the benefactor" was a mistake of catastrophic proportions, but i'm betting that letting nash go will end up just as horrifying for the mavericks. watch a game, watch him work the floor, watch him make things happen, and one could argue that he is the most valuable player on his team, whoever that team may be, and one could even argue that he's the mvp of the league. enter yours truly.

steve nash is, by far, the frontrunner for the nba's most valuable player. yet as i say this, i can almost hear the snickering coming from those that know me best, laughing off this ridiculous statement as another jokingly overzealous comment about my favorite player. but credible sources are starting to pay attention ...

when checking up on his latest stats, i stumbled across one of the most passionate sports op pieces i've ever read. the article not only accurately sums up the worth of steve nash, but identifies him with a time and place where basketball isn't about muscle bound ogres with extra y chromosomes or selfish bastards who can't even get along with others, let alone play with them. the article speaks of a purer sport, where the concept of team still exists, making it greater to watch, but more importantly, greater to play. steve nash exemplifies this purity more than any other player in the league; he is the rudy of today's basketball world; he proves that tenacity, vigor, and nothing short of true heart is still the formula of a champion; he is an example to future players in how his pass-first mentality makes everyone on his team a better player; he is an inspiration to all the little guys who have had the odds stacked against them, and yet they rise to the challenge and excel; quite simply, he is the hero for anyone who has ever been playing in the driveway by themselves, driven to the hole with mere seconds left on the imaginary clock, and lacking in the ability to dunk, fired up a turn around jumper and a prayer.

congratulations to the phoenix suns, currently basketball's best team. and here's to steve nash--truly, an inspiration to us all. all i want for christmas is an MVP award for the man who deserves it.


(again, here's the link to the article. read it, reflect, and join me in dreaming of a basketball revolution)

... on the shoulders of giants, my ass

the wheel. agriculture. euclid's elements. michaelangelo's david. newton's principia mathematica. einstein's theory of relativity. all considered to be human thought at its highest quality; all are the purest examples of the essence of man's inherent desire to create, innovate, and revolutionize the world. these historical giants have remained unmatched throughout society ... but there now exists another: i recently unearthed a treasure so truly magnificent that it makes the aforementioned accomplishments seem like fingerpaintings and macaroni pictures composed by bronze medalists in the special olympics.

ladies and gentlemen, behold the truest form of perfection ever acheived by humanity: feast your eyes upon the unadulterated glory that is Oakes Films Limited. watch their latest masterpiece, "A Day in the Life of Scott Davis", step out of the cave, and realize everything you once knew was merely a shadow, for the life-changing revolutionaries at Oakes Films Limited are most assuredly gods among mere mortals.

the critics agree:

"a most accurate portrayal of the quintessential human plight! it's almost unbelievable how accurately existence as we know it was completely exposed! mindblowing!!"
--the new york times

"i laughed, i cried, i loved it. what a journey!"
--me

"... oh my god, oh my god, oh my god ..."
--the proletariat

"i must tip my hat, for i have been bested"
--jesus christ

notafinga!

so i've been called out for starting every one of my posts with the word "so", but i like it, and will continue. it helps to create a feeling of interaction and closeness with my many readers, as if we're hanging out in a bar somewhere, and i just returned from a beer run or stepped outside to pee on someone's car

...

so i'm trying to purchase a toboggan yesterday (or a beanie, for "youse guys" above the mason-dixon line), and i go to walmart. guess what: you can't buy solid color toboggans for a dollar at walmart anymore. nope, those days are over. now you have to pay ten bucks and you get to choose between big ass skulls all over it or a ridiculous starter logo. thanks walmart, you've really got a nice grasp of the fashion industry, and you're selling exactly what's hip today. and by hip, i mean incredibly uncool ... and by today, i mean 1997. nice try losers.

the reason i wanted the toboggan was to keep my ears fashionably warm during a bonfire/drink-a-thon for charity that lee mcalilly through in the highland circle park behind his house. though intentions were noble, i fear the charity actually lost money from the event, because the only people present were a bunch of broke college students who showed up for the free booze. if nothing else, it was a great excuse to see everyone, shake hands, realign with old cliques, and talk bad about others, all while acquiring frostbite on that numb yet dedicated hand selected to hold one's beer for the night.

its that time again! not for opening presents, nor singing carols, nor spending time with family, nor getting drunk and playing grabass with your second cousin under the mistletoe. nay, all of these are mere distractions from what truly matters this christmas. of course, i'm referring to the man who opened his heart to set us free; the one who so dramatically let us share his experience, so that we could grow as a people; the man who so eloquently inspired all of us to seek first all that is righteous. the reason for the season: ... ralphie parker, and his trusty peacemaker, the red ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle.

the christmas story has always remained an integral part of my christmas experience, and i could french kiss ted turner and his television network for implementing what i think is the greatest thing to happen for christmas since the death of santa claus back in '89: the 24 hour christmas story marathon. it was the least mr. turner could do after involving himself with the atlanta braves, the billy baldwin of the national league. may all your christmas' be white, tnt, and may all your stockings be filled with napoleon dynamite dvd's and multiple concubines.

narrator: "only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window ..."

narrator: "meanwhile, i struggled for exactly the right bb gun hint. it had to be firm, but subtle ..."
ralphie: "flick says he saw some grizzly bears near pulaski's candy store"

narrator: "we plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."
old man parker: "didn't i get a tie this year?"

narrator: "now it was serious. a double-dog-dare! what else was there but a "triple dare ya"? and then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare."
schwartz: "i triple-dog-dare you!"
narrator: "schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!"

narrator: "with as much dignity as he could muster, the old man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. now i could never be sure, but i thought that i heard the sound of "taps" being played ... gently."

insomnia ... not just a chris nolan film

and again i find myself awake in bed, unable to fall asleep at two in the morning, with absolutely no reason to be awake. school's out, and i have an incredibly easy life right now, so it can't be stressed induced. all i know is this is new to me, and it sucks.


i feel ya, big guy. i feel you. 

lemons, lemonade, and frozen awesome

so i spent an exciting day in my old stomping grounds--tupelo, ms. i went and hung out with stu and others for a few nights, which is always good times. tuesday night we went to church, a.k.a. rebelanes, for my first bowling experience in quite some time. after a couple of warm up games to get the dust off, i rolled a 186 ... not too shabby. then we went and had a few beers with some more of the guys at the stables, got back, and stu kicked my ass in mariokart 64. something about "power turns" that i just don't get; anyway, it wasn't pretty.

i returned to oxford, and have been just hanging out here with nothing to do. i started to clean up today, did a little laundry, etc. i've been royally bored this whole thursday with ... ahem ... no one to hang out with. sigh, i got stood up. but lemons into lemonade and such, so preston and i went to see ocean's twelve, and i don't want to ruin it for anyone, but believe it or not, there's a twist at the end! ... (she dies)

tentative tour de tejas III: frozen awesome calendar:

[all dates represent nights of, and are subject to change]
dallas: january 3rd and 4th
austin: january 5th
san antonio: january 6th, possibly 7th
houston: possibly january 7th, january 8th, possibly january 9th

as you can see its a very rough draft, but if you're reading this, would like to hang out in one of the above towns on the specified dates, and are moderately good-looking with a zest for life, then feel more than welcome to contact me (currently accepting housing invitations for all cities but dallas)

so far, possible companions on the tour include mr. stuart davis and ms. mary maliff (application pending). if you'd like to be a passenger on tour de tejas III: frozen awesome, then you'll need to complete a response to one of the following two essays (500 words or less):

1) what qualities do you possess that make you worthy of being an integral part of such a historically significant event? in what areas could you stand to make improvements? exactly what would a seat in the ford explorer of freshness mean to your life?

2) prove carefully the homomorphism theorem that if G, G' (G prime) are groups, and if the mapping phi: G->G' is a homomorphism onto G' with kernel K, then G ~= G/K, the isomorphism being affected by the map psi: G/K->G' defined by psi(Ka)=phi(a), where a is an element of G.

all applications must be received on or before 12/31/2004. completed applications, as well as letters of reference can be sent to rbhall@olemiss.edu

note: space inside the ford explorer of freshness is limited, but there will be no discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin, in accordance with title VII of the civil rights act of 1964. however, there will most certainly be discrimination based on cleanliness, hygeine, cd collection, gas cards, and overall demeanor and attitude.

the boy scout cookies: world heroes of rock

it seems that of all the questions i get from my millions of readers, the most popular is exactly who are the boy scout cookies?

wonder no longer, america, and meet the boy scout cookies:

the inspekta -- frontman, vocals, tamborine
mr. concept -- drums, percussion
joe the ocean -- bass
benvolio van novo -- guitar, vocals, harmonica

for a picture of 3/4 of the bsc, hanging with their friend, confidente, and main influence andrew wk, and to listen to their smash hit single "morse code message" check them out at their interim official site

naturally, the bsc is on tour, and you can catch them at 6:30 sharp, dec. 28, on the main stage of the white rabbit, world renowned for its role in jump starting the careers of some of history's greatest face rockers

some fans had this to say:

"when I hear the music, i can only think of one thing i wanna do...thrash...i just want to thrash around."
-- j. baumann

"its like pouring a bowl of jello into your shorts; it feels strange at first, but in the end, you're glad it was there"
-- t. hansen, baller extraordinaire

well there you have it. from small beginnings, these four overcame all the adversities of suburb mundaneness to produce music that absolutely rocks your face off. in the humble opinion of yours truly, these guys wail so hard that they make all other music look like child pornography.

roll up! roll up for the mystery tour!

so i've been hassled a few times for "neglecting my blog" as of late (hayley: "slacker"), but i had to devote every waking hour to try and salvage an academically shitty semester. but i'm back, and i have wonderful news: this post is the first of many to come using my brand new kickass apple ibook. awesome, i know, but there's a tiny problem: i haven't learned how to do links yet, so no funny pictures until i can figure it out. [update: until i figure out, i can edit my posts on my old pc, so i'll try and keep the links coming]

in other news, i'm on a massive beatles kick. we've been watching the anthology, and i just outfitted my brand new kickass apple ibook with every beatles album. also, now that school is over, my time is being devoted to a number of things, one of which is to try and write a script for a movie preston and i want to make. what's it about? well, herein lies the problem. all we know is that we'd like to make a movie this week. other than that, we've got pretty much a clean slate, and its kinda on me to come up with at least a premise. if anyone has any ideas (i'm looking at you, bsc) then let me know, and i'll be sure and give you props in the credits. i've contacted an expert, though, and i think i've coerced rachel into helping me. she's a seasoned vet of playwright, and i'm sure everyone remembers the classic "big kahuna butt" scene that was written for her 5th grade odyssey of the mind team. unadulterated genius.

we're hoping to start production on tuesday, but you know how these things work. rome wasn't built in a day, and i'm pretty sure michaelangelo's "david" wasn't created on a deadline. so lay off me sundance, otherwise i'll take my film elsewhere.

i have some more interesting news: apparently, i've been working on a novel, and it is now completed and published! as far as i can tell from the first three chapters, its a coming of age novel about an adolescent girl, saskia. don't believe me? just google me (brian hall) and check out the first hit. here's an excerpt:

"In the barn, Marilyn lumbers, steaming, to her feet, the back up first on splayed legs, the udder swaying hugely. Saskia dumps a scoop of pellets in the trough and shovels muck into the bin, then squats to rub the furry udder, coaxing the coo into letting down. Marilyn never lies in her own muck. She is a good coo with a clean udder, a pleasure to rub. Saskia works white ointment into the rear teats, and the udder veins bulge, the teats swell. She fires into the bucket a long sequence of pump-action double barreled blasting. She has the strongest hands of anyone in her grade."
-- The Saskiad, by Brian Hall

go ahead and check out the reader reviews, but the best review by far was rachel's: "wow, you really get women"

cingular: the epic tale

three weeks ago: my mom and i are in the cingular store in memphis, paying bills and tweaking accounts when the guy at the counter, mempihs clerk #1, looks up my number and comments "hey, you're eligible for an upgrade." sweet, i think to myself, and i look around and pick out which phone i might like to have. i settled on the motorola V551, which was going for an upgrade price of $99. memphis clerk #1 was cool.

two weeks ago: my current phone starts to get really bad, so i check the cingular website, and sure enough, it confirms that my account is eligible for an upgrade.

one week, four days ago: i call the cingular customer service phone number, and do the long and frustrating dance with their automated response ("if calling about an existing account, press 1 ... "). 15 minutes into the call, i finally get to ask my simple question: if i go to the cingular store in town to get a new phone, can they bill the cost of the phone to my account? customer service representative #1 replies: "yes." customer service representaive #1 was nice.

one week, three days ago: i go to the local cingular store in oxford to pick up a new phone, planning on letting them bill my account. the motorola v551 is now $149, with a $50 mail-in rebate. after oxford clerk #1 brings up my information (take note of this), he says that i am elible for an upgrade, and i can get the new phone, but since they were recently an at&t store, and they haven't worked out all the kinks from the merger yet, they're not allowed to bill me for the phone. he says i needed to have an account with them for at least 6 months. understandingly, i leave, planning to return when i have the money. oxford clerk #1 was very nice.

4 days ago: i get money.

3 days ago: now that i have money, my mom tries to go pick up a phone for me at the memphis cingular store. memphis clerk #2 tells her that i am eligible for an upgrade, but if i get the phone in memphis, tn (another state), then i'll have to change my phone number. no dice, she says. i'll just let my son get it in oxford. i dont really know about mempis clerk #2.

yesterday, 3:00 pm: kelso and i journey to the quite busy cingular store in oxford. after waiting in an ambigous "line" for 15 minutes (i got cut twice) i get to the counter:
oxford clerk #2: "how can i help you?"
me: "hi, i'm here to purchase a new phone"
oxford clerk #2: "do you have cingular or at&t?"
me: "cingular."
oxford clerk #2: "you can't get one here."
me: "what?! i came in last week, and was told that not only can i buy a new phone, but i'm eligible for the upgrade deal, but that you guys just couldn't bill the phone to my account."
oxford clerk #2: "no, see we used to be at&t, and we're not quite set up to activate cingular phones or deal with cingular accounts. you'll have to go to tupelo."

[i think it important at this time to give a mental image of the oxford at&t store: the walls are orange, with the cingular logo (stick figure guy) painted all over the place. the carpet has the logo on it. there's tons of cingular signs and cingular brochures everywhere. all the phones for sale have the cingular logo on them, and the workers themselves have on cingular shirts and cingular nametags.]

oxford clerk #2 was a total dick.

yesterday, 4:00 pm: i get home, frustrated, and call the cingular customer service line. after going through the automated system (approx. 4-5 mins), i get to hold for a customer representative, with an estimated wait time of ten minutes. keep in mind that i have no landline, so the entire time i'm on hold on my cell phone, they're making money. seven minutes into my ten minute wait, my call gets dropped. oh wow.

yesterday, 4:45 pm: i try again, this time finally getting in touch with a human being after 10-15 minutes. customer service representative #2 looks up my account information, and assures me that i am indeed eligible for an upgrade. she also tells me that she's not sure about the oxford store's capability to activate a new phone for me, but he should have at least looked up my information, taken my name and number, and provided more information. i told her that i was planning on going to tupelo to try and get the phone, and asked her if she could assure me that it would be hassle free. she says that everything will go smoothly, and even writes a little note on my account information, saying that i'm eligible for an upgrade, and i'm planning on getting it tomorrow in tupelo. customer service representative #2 was very nice.

today, 12:15 pm: kelso and i made the hour long drive to tupelo, and had lunch at china capital. we headed over to the cingular place, near the mall, and fought hellacious tupelo traffic to finally get a spot. inside the cingular store, we have to sign in to be waited on, and it takes 15-20 minutes to finally get my turn. i tell tupelo clerk #1 that i want to get a new phone and i'm eligible for the upgrade sale price. he looks at my account, and quickly tells me that i am, in fact, not eligible. oh shit. i tell him that i've been told on at least 3 separate occasions that i am. he tells me that i last renewed my contract in january 2004 (which is true), and that my 2 years has to run out before i can get a phone upgrade. i ask him to read the notes on the account and he says that its a mistake, and there's nothing he can do until my 2 year contract runs out. i can buy a phone, but not at the sale price. a motorola v551 at regular price costs $299. i leave, only to get reimmersed in the hellacious traffic and almost get hit by a dumb old lady running a red light. tupelo clerk #1 was a total dick.

today, 1:30 pm: i go to kelso's house to use his landline, because my phone doesn't work at all anymore. after 22 minutes of waiting, i get customer service representative #3, who is incredibly slow at checking my account information. our entire conversation is littered with silences and holds that average about 90 seconds, as she looks up things. she tells me that i am eligible for an upgrade! i tell her that tupelo clerk #1 said that i wasn't, because my renewed contract hasn't run out. she says that's true, but the computer says that i'm eligible, and she can't really explain why. i tell her that i'm going to another tupelo store, and i'm not leaving without a new phone at the sale price, and she leaves more notes on my account saying that i am indeed eligible. customer service representative #3 was nice, but inept.

today, 2:25 pm: i go to another branch of cingular and am greeted with a sign in sheet on which the next blank spot isn't even on the front page. i find a comfortable chair, and after fifteen minutes, i give kelso permission to leave with my car, vowing that i'll call him on my new phone when its time to pick me up. thirty-five minutes after that, kelso returns to find that i haven't moved. the overall wait time was exactly one hour and twenty minutes. when i arrive at the counter i catch my first break in the whole process: tupelo clerk #2 is a girl i knew from high school, who used to have a crush on me. she pulls up my account information as i tell her the story, and she agrees that the computer says i'm eligible for an upgrade, even though i have a current contract. meanwhile, a guy who had been waiting on the list after me is now being helped by another clerk, and its not going well. she won't trade out his broken phone for a new one, because he doesn't have the box with him. he loses it--completely freaks out--and on his way out the door, he yells you people are a bunch of idiots to sit here and let them take advantage of you like this! cingular sucks! they fucking suck, and even if they were trying to suck, they couldn't suck worse then they do right now! tupelo clerk #2 and i get much needed comic relief from the scene, and she continues to work on my account. she calls nationals, but while on hold, we start to talk and she says that i should swing by this christmas party she's going to tonight. "it'll be fun ... give me a call," she says, and i respond with an incredibly suave, "hey, i'd love to, but i'm gonna need a new phone." (no joke, bond himself would've been proud of how well that line came out) she laughs, hangs up while still on hold, and tells me that if the computer says i'm eligible, then i'm eligible, and brings out a brand new motorola v551 ...

today, 3:58 pm: tupelo clerk #2 sold me a motorola v551 for the upgrade price of $149. booyah!


[i do hereby pledge that none of the above events are imagined, embellished, or falsified in any way, shape, form or fashion.]

on a lighter note ...

after the previous post, i began to worry that people would think i was a heartless, opinionated asshole. so i've provided this picture of a funny dog. left or right, i think everyone can agree that this is hilarious:


such poise, such grace. and look how furry he is!

stand tall, little guy.

mission accomplished and the christian right

the take home final is done! it took an all-nighter tuesday night, and then i slept about 15 hours on wednesday. but i did what i had to do, and to use the parlance of our times, mission accomplished. oh, topical humor ... "its just like watching murphy brown!"

which brings me to a new issue (and my first online rant): i've been pretty vocal about my frustration and utter disdain for the outcome of our nation's recent elections. sure, in a democracy (or our republic), your guy doesn't always win, and i can understand the cause for celebration for those that view the world differently than i. your guy won, gloat all you want, but don't expect me not to dry heave in your general direction when you do.

however, on three separate occasions, i've come across bush supporters wielding scripture to condemn my voicing of dissatisfaction. i'm guessing that there's some blanket email going out to all the baptist churches, teaching everyone this cool new bible verse that they can allude to, anytime someone has something negative to say about the president:

"let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. for there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. therefore, he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves."
-- Romans 13:1-2

oh, ok! cool, i get it now, i need to get on board, lest i be condemned. funny know one told me about this verse during the glory years. even so, i think i'll take my chances. why not? the company of dissenters is pretty nice. for starters, apparently none of our founding fathers read the book of Romans, otherwise we'd still be enjoying warm tea through our bad teeth. who knew all those revolutionaries we know and love were nothing but dirty sinners? kinda kills that whole "america was founded on christian ideals" argument, eh christian right?

ghandi = sinner ... who knew? and we really dodged a bullet with the civil rights movement. clearly, martin luther king wasn't much of a bible reader, and i think most people would agree that it worked in our favor. also, i think the protestants can get on board with me when i say that its a glorious thing martin luther spent too much time writing theses to read his bible cover to cover, otherwise i could still score myself some back-to-school indulgences. come to think of it, almost every single act that permanently shapes a nation, or a people, or a religion, or a society as a whole has been met with opposition from the authorities of that time.

so get off my back with the scripture, can we? especially verses so contradictory and hypocritical that it makes you look like a fool. just be happy (and maybe even humble?) that your poster boy fought off the moving vans, but don't hint at me that i can't say my piece.

besides, jesus himself was a pretty revolutionary dude.


(p.s. still don't agree? then keep reading, republicans ... a few verses later it says you have to pay taxes. such is the word of God.)